Friday, February 1, 2013

Random Musings...

Being sick really sucks. Thankfully, whenever I am sick, I tend to get over whatever it is pretty quickly as long as I get rest. So far, I have managed to kick this cold's butt!! Woohoo!! Oh, and even better, I managed to do it with minimal meds. Some OTC Tylenol for when it got REALLY bad and at night so I could actually get some rest. Yay for my body's natural immune system deciding to kick it into high gear

But, whether it has been the OTC stuff, or just my general weirdness talking... I had some pretty random thoughts occur to me...Some kind of silly fluff, like most of my posts, and some... well... we will get there.

First off, I was randomly (not sure why) thinking about this past election and FL and my brother in law. Specifically a comment he made and blasted to the whole world, that was highly false. He blamed FL for voting for Obama because of all the illegal immigrants voting in south FL... Well, 1)we all know illegal immigrants can't vote. No matter what state or county they are in, they cannot vote in a United States election. 2)South Florida's hispanic immigrants, who have become citizens and CAN vote are largely Cuban, and have predominantly voted Republican. Except for the younger generations, for whom this was their first election voting. Obama won FL because of the Puerto Rican vote along the I4 corridor, and Puerto Ricans are US citizens by birth, and have been since about 1896 (If i correctly remember the information my wonderful cousin posted on facebook about when Puerto Ricans got citizenship). Then it dawned on me... HUBBY'S grandmother is CANADIAN!!! I have more American citizens as ancestors going back the same about of generations as my husband!!!! Which led to the realization that I am more American than my loving and wonderful WASP (white-anglo-saxon-protestant) husband. Though to be fair, he grew up Catholic and still hasn't decided where he stands on Jesus.. so maybe he's a WASP without the P...

Yes, my mind does weird things sometimes

Then I realized something else... I am still waiting for a period that should have come a month ago. No, I'm not pregnant. Sorry to disappoint. It's just my annoying body and this stupid thing called PCOS. Stupid body...

So, I guess there's no chance of my even being able to figure out if I'm even ON a cycle anymore. UGH!!! Infertility issues BLOW! Like, seriously. I think this has been the most painful thing I have ever had to deal with. I have had a chunk of the fleshy part of my finger practically ripped off. I have serious back pain all the time. To the point where it sometimes hurts when I WALK! I have COLLAPSED because "mother nature" is very cruel to me in the cramping department. Yet this is the worst pain. Why?

Because it's all emotional

It's my heart breaking OVER and OVER

Every negative pregnancy test when I'm "late"

Every time I took my temperature and saw NO change up or down for the entire month while charting.

It's like my heart is being ripped to shreds. Torn into millions of tiny pieces, and each piece a

Now, I KNOW that God will give us a child when HE sees fit and not before then. I know that when HE does, I will be so grateful and I will thank Him, and realize that no other child would have been better for us. That this gift He has bestowed on us, is the PERFECT gift for us.

It's not the trusting that's hard. It's the waiting. Waiting while everyone around you plans their families. It's the waiting while others announce their miracles. It's the heartache that accompanies looking at photos of friends kids, while also loving their little ones more than you can express. All because your heart is longfing for nothing more than to love.

I look at women, like my dear friend, who have been on this journey of infertility longer than I, and I just want to shout out praises to them. I want to tell them how wonderful and beautiful they are. Remind them, that though they aren't having kids, they are still feminine, and womanly. And gorgeous.

I want to tell them these things because... I don't feel like I am any of those things. I feel ugly. And like anything feminine or womanly about me has been forcibly taken. I feel like a mass of skin and bones. All my organs intact, but nothing truly functioning the way it's supposed to.

I want to cry with them, and rejoice with them, and I want them to rejoice in who I am.

I want us to remind one another of the one thing we all have that no other women have... strength. We have the strength to carry on and smile for other when our hearts are breaking. We have the strength to love, and laugh while undergoing one of the deepest despairs we will ever go through.

And when we have a victory. Whether through treatments, or adoption, and we finally enter the realm of motherhood... Our rejoicing will be all the greater, and we will truly appreciate the happiness that comes with it because of the heartache we faced in getting there.

But until then, we must remain strong. For ourselves. For our spouses. and for the precious ones that God will bring into our lives, in so many various ways.

And, now that I've spoken on my super serious topic, I think it's off to bed. I just finished Eragon by Christopher Paolini. I read the first two books in high school, but I'm rereading them so I can read the last two which came out while I was in college and just this past year. And... I have to catch up on my Read the Bible in a Year Challenge. Being sick sort of gave me ZERO focus on anything, so I have a couple days catch up to play. :-)

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