This past weekend at church, we talked about differences. When we have differences with someone. When our relationship with someone is getting strained and something about them is driving us crazy, and we want so desperately to cut them down... We talked about David, before he became king. When Saul was chasing him through the wilderness trying to kill him. David had at least 3 times that he could have killed Saul, while Saul sat or slept. Completely unaware.
So what are we to take from the story? Well, mostly that vengeance belongs to the Lord. We shouldn't treat people ill or cut them down simply because they are mean to us.
Now, I know we all have people in our lives that drive us batty. For me, it's someone I wish I was closer to for someone else's sake. She's a very nice person most of the time. We just have VERY different personalities that rub each other the wrong way ALL the time. Or maybe it's because our personalities are so similar that we rub each other the wrong way. It's the sort of the thing where she yelled at me a few times, telling me off for being inconsiderate, but then she is also herself very inconsiderate, especially when it concerns me or my husband. Sort of been a pot calling the kettle black sort of thing. I'm sure there's a lot of reasons why we don't get along. We don't really have much in common. We rarely enjoy the same books and movies, and we have very different views on everything. Now, I'm not denying my inconsiderate nature. I can be extremely selfish, and I can say things without realizing how they sound to others. It happens. I'm human!
This past Sunday was no exception. Once again, we had to butt heads over some stuff. Now, I admit, the first bit to set me off, also set off my husband. It's a topic we are both very sensitive about. For the last two years, we have been trying to get pregnant. I knew we were going to have problems because I've never been... regular... So we found out I have PCOS, and I know I have written about some of this before. Well, we also found out more recently that hubs has some problems too. Which is going to even further lower our ability to get pregnant. We haven't yet gotten all the results from doctors yet, because there's more tests they want to run. And we decided we can't make new medical bills unless we have the cash available to pay it off immediately. and a $200 test that insurance won't cover doesn't count as an emergency.
Now, this person, whom I don't get along with very well, has lately just started trying. A few months in, and she does nothing but complain about how they haven't gotten pregnant. Sunday, it seemed like it was a lot of her moaning and whining. This is one of the ways she can be inconsiderate. She knows we have been trying. She knows we are having trouble. She doesn't stop to think about how it makes us feel.
Finally, even hubs snapped at her. One short, catty comment to her.
Unfortunately, what felt to me like hours of her whining and moaning and blaming her parents, left me rather... short. On patience.
I may or may not have also been very short with her when she began trying to "educate" me on another topic - cold weather running. Is she a runner? No. Not in the slightest. I've actually never seen her even exercise. Now, I've said before that hubs and I are going to run a marathon in September. We're actually really exciting about it, and as long as the weather was above 0 we figured we could still run. We did research and bundled up. After the first time we went, we decided it wasn't for us. We don't plan on going again until it starts to warm up more.
So I wasn't proud of myself. I even apologized for it, because I knew I needed to. Now, I didn't get an apology back even though I told her how badly she hurt us both... But it's okay. I can live with it. It just reminded me of how far we are from having a kid. It just reopened an old wound that I had thought was mostly healed. So, I spent the entire night in tears, devastated. Once again in tears because I may never get to experience pregnancy. We both agreed we would go for adoption if that was a definite. So parenting and raising part of the next generation would still be an achievement. and to be fair, having a child of my own is not something I feel super strongly about. I have wanted to adopt since I was about 14.
There's just a lot that I know I may miss out on. And while I'm waiting, I have to bear the heartache that comes with years of waiting.
This song has been resonating with me a lot though lately. Anyone else out there with a broken heart over anything, I'm sure you can relate as well.:-) Enjoy!