Sunday, June 19, 2011

Fashion Quest...ions...

my title is split up a little strange on purpose. mainly because this is about me questioning my fashion choices as well as my quest to find my own personal style. so its not only a quest for modest fashion, but a quest brought on by my own questions and insecurities

as i was driving home from work today, a thought occurred to me:would i feel the way i do about modesty if i were thinner? if i hadn't gained the weight i gained? if i lost all that weight, would i still feel the same way? as i am currently attempting to do so, this question really hit me hard. would i be different if i hadn't gained the weight i gained?

the first time i bought skirts within the recent past was one summer when my husband and i were shopping. he commented that he liked these two skirts and i should try them on. i was already starting to feel self conscious abour how i looked. i was always heavier than other girls my height and age. my parents would tell me if was because i had a more solid build. which, is true. i have never had a petite frame and i was always very active, causing my body to be mostly muscle. i was also very curvy. i cannot really remember a time in which i did not have a defined waist, and i started to develop pretty much right on my 9th birthday. always trim and athletic i really only gained any significant weight my junior year when i was dating a guy who loved to take me out to eat at taco bell after school, and then would eat at home again a full dinner. that was when i weighed in at around 145. senior year, i dropped the weight, adn then slowly added some of it back on. by the time i started college i was around 130. when i met my now husband, i was 125. that was om 2007. four years ago this july. currently, i am around 175. i have gained 50 pounds in the last four years, and it has caused me many nights of crying, many hours just in tears over my "misfortune."

having had what my mother has called a "perfect body" and being able to grab just about anything off the rack and know it would fit without trying it on, it was devastating to go up to a size 11 in high school. what was worse for me, was when my hubby and i moved in together my junior year of college. i gained 20 pounds in two years. which for me, was a lot. i was wearing size 8 or 10 bottoms adn i was miserable. i felt fat. this is alsoa bout the time that i started watching the duggar family as well at studio sixty on the sunset strip (i fell in love with the character harry hayes while watching the show).

so, i didnt jump to wearing skirts then. i had some in my closet, but i didn't really wear them. i didn't know how to really make them work. then i gained abother ten pounds, and i realized how great skirts could be at HIDING all the extra fat i tended to store in my thighs. i started to cover up my body because i was ASHAMED of how much weight i had gained. having been praised my whole life for how thin and pretty i always was, it was a difficult adjustment learning to dress differently so rolls of fat wouldn't show. so that i didn't look inappropriate in my clothes. yet, one thing did happen to me because of my weight gain. a very good thing. i found a faith in God, and i found modesty and being lady like, at least to some degree. it's obviously still something i am learning and struggling with on a daily basis having grown up as a tomboy who pretty much rough housed with all my guy friends, not realizing how it could be viewed. even youth pastors at youth group wouldnt say anything when us girls would tackle the guys and end up in a wrestling match with them.

so here i am, at a place where i am finding God, and loving to learn and really embrave my femininity and really dress modestly, not just for theadvantages of hiding the extra chub, or "imperfections" as i still tend to see them, but so that when i speak with people and when i go about my daily activities i might be reminded that i am a woman. a woman whose heart is seeking God. it's a reminder for me!

yet the questions i have still remain unanswered so im going to try to answer them now. if i had not gained the weight, i don't think modesty or even God would be as much of a priority for me. short shorts wouldn't bother me because i wouldnt see fat and cellulite on my legs. i was always comparing myself to others, and to many of my other friends i was still modest. so i didn't think about it. so no, if i hadn't gained all the weight, i would not have thought twice about the way i was dressing and why i was dressing that way. if i lose the weight, will i still be as concerned about modesty? i pray that i am. i pray that even if i get down to my healthy weight of 130 (i really start to look emasciated when lower than that), i will still be as concerned with modesty as i am right now. not just because its a convenient way to hide fat, but because it is about me focusing on my relationship with God and dressing modestly is a testament to that. it is me reminding myself everyday of God's love for me, and how, because He has been so good to me, I want to honor Him byrespecting the fact that He made me a woman, by DRESSING and BEHAVING as a lady ought.

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